Reacting Vs. Responding – And Why Is This Important In Relationships

Reacting means to act again, re–act. Reacting is based on what we already know and often so well that we do it automatically. Some reactions are very useful for our survival, like pulling our hand back from a hot furnace or jumping away from an oncoming car. In other words, when our bodies sense danger, we react without thinking. This kind of reaction is very useful in emergency situations, but the partner in our relationship may end the relationship very quickly without our even being aware that our reactions are automatic and often go against our best interests.

So, what is the mechanism of reaction? If we can become acutely aware of this mechanism whenever we are in a situation to react — or, in other words, when our buttons are being pushed — our relationships and lives might look completely different; we could be much more balanced, avoid problems, and experience a much higher level of happiness. Reacting is a very useful survival tool because it’s based on learning from experience. Some experiences are worth remembering, and recalling them at the right moment can save us trouble. The problem arises when we react to the present situation that is similar to past ones. For example, you were bitten by a snake once, and now you’re afraid of everything that crawls, like lizards. In relationships, a closer example would be if you had an abusive father, you might now think ALL men are abusive. Another example is if your parents always told you what to do, you might now get angry and resistant to anyone even asking you to do something. If you thought that your parents didn’t love you, you might believe that anyone who expresses love is fake or dishonest. In these situations, you often tend to blame others for “making you feel that way” or “making you do certain things.” So, you get the idea: certain words and behaviors by others push your buttons or trigger memories of the past, and you simply RE-act your past. You have no real choice or free will in the matter. You can now see how this automatic behavior can harm your relationship. But all is not lost. You actually can take responsibility for your buttons; they are yours after all, and if you didn’t have them, nobody would have anything to push.

This brings us to the alternative. Being responsible for your actions means you are able to respond—thus response—able. What does this really mean, and more importantly, how do you become response—able? For most people, responsibility is seen as a burden, fault, blame, credit, shame, or guilt. I suggest that if you see responsibility as a willingness to handle the situation with the mindset that you have a choice in how you act in a given situation, you will gain power beyond your wildest dreams. Someone once said there is a moment between any stimulus and a response, and the choices you make in that window of opportunity determine your life.

As you can see, responsibility is about free choice; it is an exercise of free will. Responding is not governed by your feelings or thoughts. It is an intentional choice aligned with your values, ethics, and morals—not a fleeting feeling, association, or thought. These belong to the category of reactions, so automatic reactions are irresponsible actions. It then becomes clear that no one can make you feel or do anything, ever. I understand that every action has consequences, but ultimately, you are the one who decides what those consequences will be.

Now that we’ve distinguished between reacting and responding, I hope you see that taking responsibility for everything that happens to you—no matter how unreasonable—will make you more content, powerful, successful, and ultimately happier than merely reacting to events. Take charge of your life: be responsible.