After interacting with thousands of people and their relationships, it became clear to me that those seeking relationship help often do so after exhausting all the knowledge and tricks they had at their disposal. By the time they begin searching for assistance, it is frequently, if not too late, at least more challenging to receive effective help than if they had started addressing the initial signs of trouble.

So, what sources do people seek when they need help with relationships? As I mentioned above, they first try whatever they believe will work. Unfortunately, solutions to a problem cannot be found in the mind of the person who created it in the first place, to paraphrase Albert Einstein. Help with relationships almost always must come from outside.

At this point, it should be noted that not all that is meant to be “relationship help” is actually helpful. The rule of thumb is that the closer a person is to the troubled participants in a relationship, the less meaningful help they can offer. Our logic tells us that the “closer the person is to me, like friends and family, the more they care about me and the better advice they will give me.” Not so. Relationship help can easily turn into relationship hell when all the emotions of the people who care about you merge with your own. Meaningful help can come only from an unattached individual who has no stake in the relationship one way or another.

Help with relationships is most effective when provided by individuals who can see the situation clearly and remain neutral, allowing them to read between the lines and identify blind spots. This approach creates a different context, leading to alternative viewpoints on the matter. Relationship assistance is best offered by professionals in the field, often including older, wiser individuals. The range of professionals available for relationship help is extensive, encompassing social workers, doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, and coaches. The right choice for you depends on your circumstances.

If you are experiencing severe depression or a mental disorder, consulting a doctor, psychologist, or even a psychiatrist may be advisable. However, if your issues are relatively minor and you are mentally healthy, a social worker or coach might be a better fit. It’s also wise to consult a social worker first if you suspect a mental disorder. Based on the feedback I receive, relationship help often proves unproductive when it involves marriage counselors. This observation is not a critique of counselors themselves; rather, it reflects an outdated system. It assumes both partners are equally invested in seeking assistance, while many couples attend counseling sessions with one partner seeking help while the other is resistant. In essence, one person may want to stay in the relationship while the other wishes to exit.

I find that at this stage, a good coach often recognizes that the only person who can make a difference in a relationship is the one who wants to keep it, the one who seeks help. Therefore, why bother with a destructive party at all? Focus on and provide relationship help to a person who is committed to the relationship, the premise here being that a) people REACT to each other and b) no one can change anyone else without their consent.

If you want to maintain the relationship, you first need to view it from a different perspective by gaining insights into your role in the relationship breakdown. Once you understand that, your perspective on the relationship will shift, and so will your behavior. As your behavior changes, your partner will respond to that change, and, voila, things will improve, resulting in a new relationship. Therefore, if you believe you may need help with your relationship, don’t waste time trying to fix it on your own, because if you knew how, your relationship wouldn’t be in its current state.

I suggest you check out The Relationship Saver first (http://www.RelationshipSaver.org/). It may be just what you need to get help with your relationship. Even if your relationship is “just fine, thank you,” you might still want to read The Gameless Relationship (http://www.GamelessRelationship.com/) if you wish to have an awesome one. Good luck!